i must consistently ask myself 

why do i feel unsafe?

in this body, in this home, in these friendships, in this city 

why is it that i hesitate to be with others, to open myself up to company 

when i want it desperately 

i have never thought about the consequences of this, how far reaching they are 

or have become 

i find myself wanting to be alone over and over again 

challenged by anything otherwise 

not having anyone to just call up, to express myself to, to laugh with or unpack 

i think to myself, how have i gotten here?

did i create this for myself? this toxic environment that has somehow become 

everything everywhere all consuming at once

how did i let it get this far

i am in need of Your guidance, Your trust and Your sustenance

You are the All Knowing, You know me beyond myself and this moment

I am at Your mercy, praying for Your light to show me the way 

You are the opener of opportunity, the Creator of opportunity

help me

yesterday and the last month was difficult 

the absence of love was evident despite not feeling it in the moment 

i think He tried to shield me from it through patience and prayer 

but i feel it now, hard 

my heart feels hollow, echoing the absence of the outside 

towards sunset i found myself making a silent prayer 

for you to be written for me 

for every hair on my body to be ready and willing to receive you 

with the most love i have to give 

i prayed that you were written for every inch of my skin and wave of my soul

for me to be ready for you, to give you of my love and vulnerability 

for us to be reciprocal, in sync with one another’s hearts

for us to be the coolness of each other and please Him

to love one another for His sake first 

i prayed to feel your love and companionship 

to be your partner body, mind, heart and soul 

as the sun drew away and the pink marked the coming of the moon 

i took a breath and prayer for you to be written for me 

i must remind myself of my grounding 

of my purpose, path and paradise 

it’s not here, even though it sometimes appears that way 

in the rush of things and people 

in the loneliness and helplessness 

no it’s with Him

my purpose is with Him

and nothing will give me contentment like His pleasure and plan 

i must remind myself of my servitude, of my submission 

from where i draw all purpose, presence and praise 

i am not my own and this life is not the final destination 

how to change energy, to change strategy, to change prayer 

for someone i can’t really place outside yet

but i know their qualities, i know their disposition 

from settling my desires, dark and light 

i can feel their warmth in my longing for their presence

wholeheartedly, i tell myself that they will come

i must trust in a plan greater than my own 

i must believe in the security of my relationship with Him 

before i think about you 

you’re on my mind more often than i admit aloud

you are in the corners of my insecurity and the origins of my happiness 

my heart calls for you when i am alone and in company

aching to meet you, finally 

to share all that i have seen and learnt 

to hold you as i only imagine you will hold me 

completely 

to give myself to you a thousand times over

ensuring that us sustains in this life and the next 

to be lead by you in prayer 

my breath will cease as my dreams become reality 

to be yours, and for you to be mine 

i will commit to defining our love everyday 

i will know you, and you will know me 

like a partnership 

without transactional ends, we will meet in the middle 

and journey together 

sun, storm, clouds and rain 

my hopes will be yours, your dreams will be mine

and we will build

blood, sweat and love

together

realistically, i feel a bit lost 

and i get upset because certain boxes have been ticked 

like routine - i have one, that’s filled with things i’ve prayed for 

why am i searching craving for the next, looking for more and more and more

why am i the creator of my own hamster wheel and why can’t i get off

i have to try very hard to stop

well i’ve never stopped really

it’s more like i have to try very hard to ease it 

soothe it, make it forget its target and even quieten it down

so i can breathe, i can hear, i can feel 

just about anything else 

my brain feels bruised, my heart feels hollowed out and my ears are aching 

all from the constant consistent berating, comparing, loathing, criticising 

over and over again

about anything and everything, it’s all a target 

nothing is off limits, no time or place or subject 

it’s so strong now because it never stops being fed, being given power and life

while i relinquish every scrap i have 

my whole soul aches, feeling utterly wilted 

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wetheurban:

WE THE URBAN

do you think it’s a problem when you have no one to call?

no one to call randomly when you’re alone and just want to talk 

no serious conversation but the support fills the room and the silence

when did it become like this?

where i have no one to call anymore 

i used to have people, a few months ago even 

the number has become less over time but that can be expected 

is my life too deep? but that’s not my life per se 

like nothing dramatic is happening right now 

is this what depression is? a constant drama of some sort 

where you need someone to call 

i need to sit down and let go of a lot

a lot of pent up energy that’s got me tied up in questions, memories

i can free myself 

even if i’m alone to witness and experience it 

maybe i’ll call myself

tell her that it’s okay for the room to be empty

what i take up is enough 

and make her feel okay to talk, knowing i’ll respond 

with patience and sincerity before anything else 

i want to call 

to talk to myself, to be kind and thoughtful to myself

to remind myself that there isn’t airtime to put in or a clock rushing us 

to tell me that it’s okay to be all i have for the meanwhile

i’ve carried us through

and i won’t put down, she can trust me 

i’ll be there in the moments i have lots to say or very little 

i’ll be there for me